(TW: Abuse, sexual assault, etc.)

This is not going to be a typical post from me, however, I want to air out some questions that have been on my mind recently.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints* recently updated their website’s resources regarding abuse with the new page “abuse.lds.org”. This is a wonderful resource and is going to change many lives. BCC had a better put response than I could ever write about it (https://bycommonconsent.com/2018/10/26/where-can-i-turn-for-support-abuse-lds-org/).

The day it came out I scoured the website sure that it would bring answers to what had been plaguing my heart recently, and, while it did bring some comfort, I am still left with some unresolved questions. As these are not just questions of faith that can be solved simply with prayer**, I decided to open up my questions to the internet.

Will I get into heaven if I do not forgive my abuser? This is one question that the website did attempt to answer*** but the answer left me more confused than ever. I do not think that it is possible (or even a healthy idea for me personally according to my therapist) to forgive my abuser. Will I be held accountable for this?

Speaking of being held accountable, a lot of victims of abuse will engage in trauma responses that may not normally be in line with the standards of the church****. Will victims be accountable for their body’s coping mechanisms?

If my abuser repents, will he be in heaven with me?

What do priesthood leaders tell the perpetrators? What information are they given and why is that part of the website locked? What specific information are leaders given regarding abuse?

Why is a disciplinary council not necessary for rape/sexual abuse/spouse abuse/intentional serious physical injury of others? And why does the handbook specifically say forcible rape?

Why are there so many cases of priesthood leaders not taking abuse seriously?

If we really believe abuse should never be tolerated, why is the Honor Code Office available at BYU to be used by abusers as a way of threatening their victims’ housing/schooling?

This rant(?) may or may not have been productive but I want to start a conversation and get some answers. Please be safe and don’t be d!cks.

(Link to hotlines – https://www.lds.org/get-help/abuse/in-crisis-talk-now?lang=eng)

*I figured I should say the whole name in this post because I want answers.

**Not that I’m not also going to pray, I’m covering all of my bases here people.

***https://www.lds.org/get-help/abuse/is-it-possible-to-forgive?lang=eng

****https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/alcohol-trauma-drinking-as-way-to-cope-with-past-0602174

Sometimes the stories told from behind the pulpit/from the lecturer’s podium (sometimes they seem very similar) are useful ways that the listener can apply the concepts that they are learning about. However, the stories can often be problematic in more ways than one (racist, sexist, xenophobic, etc.). Today we are focusing on one area that might seem more subtle – the ableism.

Background Information:

Ableism is the discrimination of people with disabilities. The type of ableism that I’ll be focusing today is inspiration porn. Inspiration porn is the objectification of people with disabilities. Below is one example of a common form of inspiration porn, the pictures your grandma might share on Facebook:

Abled people place them on a pedestal simply for existing with a disability. This takes away the three-dimensional lives of people who are more than disability.

Stella Young’s TED Talk explains it much better than I can – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxrS7-I_sMQ. One quote I’ll share for those of you who don’t have the time to watch it (do it though, it’s so good!) is her closing remark, “Disability doesn’t make you exceptional, but questioning what you think you know about it does”.

The danger of inspiration porn is that it seems complimentary from the outside. However, it is not. Disability is not the bad thing that we have been told that it is and people with disabilities do not exist to be your perspective on how lucky you have it.

In LDS Circles:

How does this translate into Church-run areas of our lives? I know I have heard on many an “Open – Mic Sunday”* stories about how people were ‘almost paralyzed’ but then God swooped in and blessed them and now they get to live life able-bodied. The problem is I’m sure this could be a valid part of their testimonies. However, when you tell this story as one of truth without any nuance, what message are you sending to those who are still faithful who are disabled? Why do you think that your life would’ve ended had your body changed? Do you not think God would still bless you if you were disabled?

Another problem that this idea runs into in Church circles is in healing. Plenty of people are given blessings. Of those, there are some people who remain able-bodied/able-minded. And still, plenty more remain with some sort of disability. Does God love any of the second group less? Did they all have less faith? NO. I’ve heard stories of LDS women trying to sell a certain brand of essential oils** to people with disabilities claiming that it will heal them of everything from depression, PTSD, paralysis, etc. To quote Uchtdorf, “Stop it!”.

As a faith, we need to be more mindful of the way that we talk about and treat others with disability. They are not your idols; they are people just as complex as abled people. This is not to say that you can’t find people with disabilities inspirational – they sure can be. But it is not inspirational that they manage to wake up. It is whatever they decide to do when they are awake that can be inspirational.

We need to change the way that we treat our members and their stories. Remember the Primary song, “If you don’t walk as most people do, Some people walk away from you, But I won’t! I won’t! If you don’t talk as most people do, Some people talk and laugh at you, But I won’t! I won’t! I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you. That’s how I’ll show my love for you. Jesus walked away from none. He gave his love to everyone. So I will!”.***

At BYU:

BYU is an interesting case when it comes to inspiration porn because it runs into all of the same problems as the church while also disenfranchising its disabled students. The facilities themselves are difficult to access for those with physical disabilities with hidden elevators, entry-doors into the buildings, and stairs in most of the convenient walkways. The attendance policies, particularly evident in religion classes, are discriminatory towards anyone with a disability. Classes that do not let students take notes on their laptops are acting against students with disabilities (and yes, I know that if you explain it to the professor you’re most likely going to be able to use your computer, however, being the only one in the class allowed to use your computer outs you as a student with a disability and opens you up to discrimination from your peers). The presence of inspiration porn on a campus that perpetuates inequity towards their students with disabilities sends a bit of a hypocritical message. It comes off as “Wow! Look at how great you are for still getting up and coming into an environment that I continue to make more difficult for you! If you can do that then I can do anything”.

The good news is that things are changing for the better on campus. The accommodations office is getting there. I’ve heard that the new engineering building is slightly better in terms of accessibility. More professors are learning to accept accommodation letters.

However, there is still so much to do: changing discriminatory class policies, renovating buildings to increase access, etc. Ridding the campus of inspiration porn is one great step.

Articles to Read:

https://mic.com/articles/121653/6-forms-of-ableism-we-need-to-retire-immediately#.jfZG6jisB

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/explaining-inspiration-porn-to-non-disabled-people/

https://themighty.com/2017/10/please-stop-spreading-inspiration-porn-about-disability/

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/on-inspiration-porn_us_596cedd0e4b05561da5a595e

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/not-your-inspiration-porn/

*Testimony meeting if you’re basic

**I don’t know much about copyright but I think it should be easy enough to guess what I’m talking about

***This song was written by Carol Lynn Pearson who is amazing – look her up. She signed my book for me once and just radiates badass energy.

 

Content warning: Homophobia, suicide

Hey allies! This one is for you.

As more and more BYU students are leaning left (there is evidence for this, I’m frankly just too lazy to find it for y’all and I know that if you’re reading this you have access to an online search engine, sorry!), there are larger numbers of Cougars willing to label themselves as “allies”. Let me start off by saying that this trend is awesome! We certainly can always use more people willing to support their neighbors. However, there is still a lot of work to be done within the groups of people who call themselves allies.

Background Information:

I know that I said earlier than I do not want to use too much of my time researching stuff that y’all can find in 5 minutes with your search engine of choice (though anyone still proudly using Bing is an enigma and should be studied) but I want people to understand my point as a whole so here is a little background information on what I mean when I say benevolent homophobia*.

Benevolent homophobia comes from the adjacent theory of benevolent sexism (also known as ambivalent sexism). Benevolent sexism is using sexist ideas of gender in ways that might seem positive but are still damaging and sexist in their own way. Someone being benevolently sexist might think that they are appreciating women by using fun blanket statements like, “Women are more intuitive”, but what they are doing is giving people an excuse to not pay attention to those around them (plus reinforcing the harmful gender binary, relegating emotional labor to women, etc.). This form of sexism is dangerous in its own way because it is harder to recognize than its more blatant partner hostile sexism**.

Benevolent homophobia is similar. Here people might think that they are being complimentary when they say that gay people are, “so fun and wild”, when they are only focusing on the more outwardly positive and visible parts of the queer experience. Sadly, being queer is not just Pride parades 24/7.

The Cougars’ Case:

Benevolent homophobia is all too common at BYU in the population of those who are not hostilely homophobic. Often words meant to comfort queer Mormons*** in their times of need are riddled with benevolent homophobia. The “strongest of us all” trope is the most common. This Mormon trope is seen anyone says that gay people, if they live righteously (ie. date straight or not at all), will be straight in the next life so all they have to do is muscle through their time on Earth. “Why is this harmful? Isn’t this what they would want?”. Well yes Becky, some people might want to be straight in the next life. But not all gay Mormons, in fact I would think the majority, feel this way. In fact, this ideology can be super harmful. If you will be “cured” in the next life, why would you not want to kill yourself now so that you can be saved and “cured”? Zachary Ibarra expressed these feelings well.

If the therapist’s point of view is also one that you can have as an ally, why aren’t we seeing as much of it on campus? I have yet to hear, even from the most progressive of professors, anything quite as revolutionary or as beneficial****.

Now What?

Allies, sorry if this post has made you uncomfortable (past the point of it being productive). In this world we all interact with marginalized groups that we are not apart of and we all make mistakes on how we navigate that. Working to improve is awesome!

In order to work on being a better ally while Mormon, it is important to have some perspective. The first part of this is acknowledging that no one on Earth has all of the answers. The Church as little as 50 years ago was almost unrecognizable from the one that we have today; who’s to assume that we won’t have new sets of changes in the next 50*****? We’ve gone from being gay is a sin and a choice and those who choose it are not going to heaven and are destined to get AIDS (the Reagan administration was a rough time to be a queer Mormon y’all) to being gay is not a choice and you can still make it to heaven (provided you date straight or not at all). And honestly, there is still SO MUCH that we as Mormons don’t know when it comes to the afterlife. Like, blog posts for days worth.

So what does this mean? It means that you need to let your gay Mormon friends decide for themselves how to find their place in the world. No more empty reassurances, no more beating them over with the “Marry Straight” stick, no more emphasis on being SO chaste. Instead, comfort those who stand in need of comfort and walk with them and talk with them to show your love for them. Do not expect them to all agree with each other. LISTEN and be aware that no one has all of the answers.

 

 

 

*And really, I’m sure that this applies to more LGBT+ identities than just gay.

**Here are some helpful background reading for those interested in benevolent sexism:  https://www.bustle.com/articles/131418-7-examples-of-benevolent-sexism-that-are-just-as-harmful-as-hostile-sexism, https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/psysociety/benevolent-sexism/)

***I am not spelling out members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in this blog until the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) starts respecting calling other people what they want ie. using trans people’s names and pronouns. Also, it’s long and takes forever to type out and I’m a student who needs to maximize her time.

****If you have, PLEASE let me know.

*****Yes I used 50 on purpose, here is just one example of what I’m talking about: https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2018/10/03/heres-how-r-rating-which/

Nice to meet you!

I am an anonymous student at BYU who wanted somewhere to complain without fear and thought since everyone else in Utah county has a blog that this must be the way to go.

About me:

I am an intersectional feminist who believes that #BlackLivesMatter.  I am a badass woman (she/her/hers). I will often use “y’all” because it is gender neutral. I like the dumb soda shops in this state. I am queer. I think that the honor code is problematic. I am not here to fight on my opinions; I am just here to shout them out into the void. I am a believer in the Oxford comma.

And I am a Mormon*.

Being a complex human with many different identities and experiences that intersect in lots of different ways is what makes life so interesting. I am sure that each of you has your own identities and experiences and I would love to learn about your perspectives.

Looking forward for whatever this is!

(*Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints if you’re nasty)

Don’t be a dick please.